I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i now understand why vodka
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize