whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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