At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
