She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
