Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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