she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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