i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize