Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
