Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
