Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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