Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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