fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
