I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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