Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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