Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
