The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
