The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
