I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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