Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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