And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
