R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
