Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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