i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
