my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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