If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
