And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i now understand why vodka
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
