You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
