i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
