i think i have two assholes
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
