I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
