was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
