Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
