He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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