my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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