One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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