I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
