my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Couch. On fire.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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