70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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