My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
