no, he came in my armpit
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
