How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
