Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I supernannyed him into submission
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
