matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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