so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The air taste purple.
Randomize
