Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i've created a new STD.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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