Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
