That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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