walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
