just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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