I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
