hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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