Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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