is your mom at the bar?
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize