I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
