I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
