Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
