Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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