I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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