just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
