im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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